In Memoriam: Mother- the sanctuary...

The bedrock, the foundation, the pillar and the shelter who nurtured, harboured and sustained all of us. 

To the hero who endured through all of life’s troubles and obstacles and triumphed with sheer patience, forbearance and fortitude leaving behind a legacy of simplicity, grace and humanity. 

Our dear teacheramma,

Living by example 

Our teacher, guide, mentor, role model and inspiration, the anchor and the rudder of the entire family, one who endured the hardest of times, protected us from the toughest of circumstances and sustained us  through the worst of life’s problems giving everything for the benefit and upliftment of the family, relatives, friends and everyone in the ecosystem. 

My angel guardian, the Daiva Swaroopa, our redeemer and beloved mother.

I have many memories of you, we all do. And the most endearing images that flash before us when we think of you is always the resourceful kind, the dynamic ones, the most gracious images of you writing something, painting something, doing or getting the household work done without it making it seem a chore and of serving food and making efforts in planning, shopping, packing and distributing gifts and food to the family, relatives and to the extended families while making sure we get what we want and making the very best available to us.

Your attributes were so many that I have always been in awe and never had to look elsewhere for inspiration. 

Even my best habits, the search for knowledge and wisdom stems from your reading habit and your keenness in knowing it deep and well. 

Thank you Mother.

Reason, rectitude and Rationality

Never the one to gossip or indulge in small talk, nonetheless she facilitated gatherings and discussions where each one of us had the liberty and freedom to voice our opinion without worrying of being judged, we all were regularly questioned and reasoned with but never judged, which gave us the freedom to pursue our interests. 

She personified Grace, forbearance, patience and discipline like no other I have seen in my entire life.

She lived with such simplicity and yet such high ideals, that at least for me, she has been the determining factor of my every single decision and the very approach to Life itself.

Mother, came across as a soft personality, but where it was required, she was stern without being harsh like only a true teacher can, never once was there any bias, she was never partial and always treated us and all who she came across with the same empathy and kindness that made her the favourite person of every generation, from the elderly who treated her like a daughter, the neighbours who treated her as family, and to all of us you has been a true embodiment of humanism, from being there to guide and provide in whatever capacity she could to anyone who came by without making it seem obvious or as a favour but as a nurturing extension of herself. 

Showing all of us how to live honourably and even for the youngest who like us are in awe of the personality and qualities that has been an epitome of humane behaviour spanning across generations and across extended families, relatives and friends. 

She was fair and just in everything she did,

And she did everything with utmost sincerity, be it Religion or tradition or spirituality, it was never imposed on us, but she always shared the best aspects of being a true person by practising it in the most earnest and ensuring manner.

Not easy to please, because she set the highest standards in morality, ethics and conduct and lived by it in every way, but didn’t judge people and always had clarity on what’s right and true and stuck to it, there was never any malice or agenda behind what she said and did.

There was only sincerity, empathy and true commitment in everything she did. 

She spoke less but listened quietly and carefully and when she spoke, it was incisive and steadfast, as straightforward as they come.

Didn’t hesitate to call a spade a spade.

But it was never about grudges or ego, it was always about right way and righteousness, so people including me had to always respect and accept the insights realising the depth and wisdom. 

Even tempered, almost zen like demeanour 

Never have I seen the presumed stereotype behaviour, no mood swings no blaming hormonal fluctuations and no using the women card, I am amazed at how even tempered she has been and I don’t ever remember for once seeing her been irritable and or having seen here smirk or take out her frustration on us.

Graciousness

Haven’t seen such a gracious host, the sincerest smile, true warmth and the ever-welcoming demeanour, people felt it was their home. 

Amma’s house epitomised Amma’s hospitality and the fact that each one got what they wanted, didn’t matter when they showed up, everyone was served their preferred choices amongst the choicest food, never once disappointing anyone who came home even the people who worked in the house. 

And it’s not just us the immediate family who say that, we heard every person who have known and met her, the relatives she harboured and gave shelter to, the many who sought her help and the people who worked for her, everyone missed her presence yesterday as if she was their own and grieved as if it was their own mother, sister and aunt, even her In-laws side of the family always had immense respect for her, many calling her their own mother and all of them having so many episodes as the fondest and most profound memories of their lives. 

And if we think this was it, she was just this kind hearted, velvet gloved iron fisted Good Samaritan.

No, she was more, 

Patience and forbearance 

a truly graceful person, such was her feminine, almost divine grace, she was always up and ready for the day ahead in the most endearing smile and never smirked, got irritated and showed attitude, even during the transition period that every wan goes through the hormonal fluctuations and mood swings, never saw any of that. In fact, it amazes me that I never have seen my Mom over sleep, over eat or over speak, everything was in moderation and controlled, her emotions, her words, her interactions, the only thing she had in abundance was this patience and the capacity to endure everything life threw at her with such extraordinary forbearance. 

Always having the utmost hygiene in everything, orderly and organised and a martinet she strictly enforced and was a sticker to cleanliness, I was always conscious of showing up unkempt in-front of her and made an attempt to be ready to meet her, her room always had more natural light, was always a brightly lit room, spic and span, even the wardrobe, always neatly arranged and properly pressed and in sets of matching colours, each of her personal and professional as well as the family heirlooms( all of them of great significance in symbolism and denoting a particular quality or essence which was all placed in a particular order which she always remembered and retrieved when required). 

 

Hospitality 

Her Hospitality came from heart and was full of care and kindness for all, 

The Considerate person she was, her care for the elderly, the sick and for those who are weak or are in need made it seem like she was the richest person and made me realise being generous and being materially rich is unrelated ,one could be full of resources but if there is no effort from one to be of some help to others there would be sharing, help or doing something significant for others.

Duty bound and Honourable 

Apart from being a model mother where she only exposed us to the right things and sorted out the wrong without making it seem she was being the saviour, she took up challenges and responsibilities asking for more responsibility even when we wanted her to do nothing and enjoy retirement and free time.

She didn’t believe in retirement, there was always a sense of being duty bound in doing even the simplest to the most profound of tasks.

She took it on herself to remember and offer obeisance and prayers to the departed. 

The remembrance for the elders, the departed and the loved ones, was both an obeisance  and a celebration of their lives, she did it without fail remembering everyone’s passing and marking the day with her customary hospitality inviting people for lunch and dinner telling us about the lives and the contributions and the impact on her, the family and others offering us a window into the past.

 

Responsible and Conscientious

Despite where we lived we always had plants (crotons, I heard the word from her and she explained it to me and to this day I remember it )inside the house, and in the corridors and the terrace when we had one, the interiors and the furniture, the drapes the beds, linens, bed sheets, the curtains and carpets, the colours and placement and the reason behind the wall colours all of it was inculcated in us as an ongoing project and I have incorporated all of that in my school projects and later in my presentations and profession.

 

Career woman, Strong willed and steadfast 

With a large family, a huge visiting guest list and an even longer list of relatives who stayed for weeks, months and years, she and father made sure the guests, though mostly from Dad’s side were never made to feel uncomfortable, with so many of the cousins and far relatives telling how she took care of them, it is a wonder that she also managed a successful career as a full time head-mistress and secretary of the school while also teaching full time, wonder how she managed to cook for such a large contingent at home while being there to work every morning walking and traveling long distances. She and when she was finally rested for the rituals the maternal grand aunt gave out the heartfelt sympathy filled testimony telling how many times the wobbly knees have been injured taking so many beatings on the way to way and back as she strode towards one responsibility to the other never tiring nor complaining despite the lifelong suffering from limited mobility due to the knees in terms of walking and climbing stairs, but how she always rose and not just pursued her family's interests, but to do her best for the family, the relatives and the society and country. She was a true patriot who was never dogmatic but believed in one earth, one race and that spirituality is all inclusive while hard work and the enduring spirit defines our level of faith.

As I was traveling this morning and carrying her Urn, I realised how difficult it is to carry a weight that you cannot drop, and for someone who believed in physical and mental strength taking pride in my physical prowess and ability to focus, I felt so humbled looking at mothers in general and how it might have felt for my mother to bear an overweight foetus for the seventh time, and that is nine months times seven children, 63 months, which is 5 and a quarter years of weight bearing. progressive overload where you can't drop the weights if you are tired, can't pass it on to others for even a second, nor share or exchange the responsibility nor lose focus lest you trip and with the wobbly knees and apparently weak knees she endured and sustained as an endurance athlete, and had to traverse through the obstacle course called life with its glorious uncertainties and fast growing children of all ages including an infant at the time I was born, and yet she said she was back at work in a matter of 3 days and managed it all when maternity leaves and post-natal physical and mental health was unheard of, all she had was a small ecosystem that she had created while completing her studies as a mother of three children, fighting a law suit and successfully fighting against a school mafia, retrieving and then running the institution for the next 30 odd years and raising all six surviving children marrying off children and relatives' children and setting up the base for everyone to function and flourish and following up whenever there was a crisis in any of our immediate and extended families with such wisdom and grace it is almost mythical proportions when we hear them all from the people who were the beneficiaries even while there were multiple long lasting crises that sometimes had legal and violent ramifications, yet she maintained her focus, the sanity and sanctity of the family and the decorum of the educational institution that she ran and resolving great many problems in the most honourable way. And considering the fact that she not only stood and carried herself and the family in her so called weak legs, it is a testament to her true grit and unflinching commitment that she carried the entire family and the institution on her shoulders for all her adult life which begun at 17 years and comparing it to mine where even after 42 years, I am still not a true responsible adult and have been a burden that she bore for 42 years unlike my other 5 siblings who she harboured for half that time. So here I am totally humbled and in awe of my mother who gave me an extended childhood and all its perks that lasted more than 4 decades.

With an impact such as this and a life so enormous in its significance and span, I just cannot fathom how she even managed the never ending crisis that seemed to plague the family for most and all of her working years and starting at the age of 17 or 18, and yet she completed 37 years of teaching and school administration with a splendid and spotless record, I can only think of her as the lotus that blooms and extends beauty and respect to the entire pond or lake and elevates the entire ecosystem.

Looking after children and a very naughty and often troublesome youngest son she was often summoned from school in emergencies and would never beat or yell at me for being hyperactive, instead enrolled me for RSS training and then to Martial Arts when I was 8 and 9 years old, setting up and defining my entire career, I couldn't handle the stress of seeing her go through the eye check-up and treatment and now I was literally paralysed when she had the heart attack, and am dumbfounded and in despair as she was lay motionless, I could only think of her strength, endurance and forbearance and the grace and composure she showed for over seven decades of a tumultuous life as hard and as uncertain and unstable as it gets replete with the glorious uncertainties and very little as respite and recourse, yet she did it all with the customary grace that we all took for granted.

I now realise, it is not just the Mother, teacher, mentor,  guide and inspiration that lay in the Urn, it was this giant of a human, a goliath of graciousness, and a heart that spanned across a lifetime of grit, work, sweat, blood and a body that sustained ceaseless responsibilities and the spirit that epitomises resourcefulness that transcended generations, the Urn now was so heavy and me so weak, my mind, body and spirit caved in and I passed it to my brother and sisters and only got it at the very end as part of the ritual and I could barely hold and hold myself and my emotions.

she was a normal homemaker, and like all the home makers, that is taken for granted by husbands, children, families, co-workers, society and foremost by sons like me who think we are in some way macho, but she was the epitome of womanhood, motherhood and a symbolic representation of the millions of mothers who are taken for granted, the great realised souls that live amongst us rather than in the ashrams and forests, the great endurance athletes who not just fight in an event but fight a lifelong battle against insurmountable odds with little or no support and more importantly cannot afford to lose as they fight not just to sustain a family, they as mothers, teachers and the cross bearers of society beat the weight of nations and of humanity, we cannot have a world of humans without these mothers, not only are they strong, they define true strength in every manner possible and more, they nurture us while they are here, teaching us, healing us, facilitating everything for us, the biggest burden is that they are even expected to sustain us even after father time calls it a day.

And I didn't even mention the Soul, as I don't know about the soul, can cannot even comprehend the power and the strength of that soul, it cannot be contained, and we know through the Bhagavad Gita and the Ancient Indian texts and through the Mother's teachings that it is ceaseless, boundless and cannot be destroyed by death or father time, that came in as a saving grace, the ultimate blessing that I can take some courage and draw from the strength of my mother's spirit and the everlasting soul, the beacon of hope amidst my crumbling world.  

Yet, I feel and I know she will watch over me and I won't be alone, she offered me all my strength, my entire life till this day, and I now rely on the same hope, strength and inspiration through all the lessons and solutions through her life and the same will be true to my siblings, our family and the extended family who have relied on her.  

Our Mother and mothers like her offer us not just shelter in their womb, and in the homes, they offer sanctuary to our very lives, the spirit and soul.

Be at Peace, Mother,

But may your soul and life lessons continue to inspire and continue to be the force that sustains us and our lives, and Long live Motherhood, the greatest force that sustains all life and hope for humanity.

Om Shanti...